The FARANG Speaks 2 Much (tfs2m)

Visa application in and on time. It is the only reason I come to Penang - my yearly pilgrimage to renew my right to reside in Thailand. I don’t want to even get into how much of pain it is to be a legal contributor to Thailand’s economy but I still love the place. Anyway. Thought I would share since many others have to do these trips and need the info. Of course there are other things to do while I am here but I have yet to run into any baby oil carrying grandmothers but give me time. In this issue - why Air Asia sucks, don’t bring liquids, book hotel rooms online ahead of time and fear the ladyboy looking possibly Malaysian looking but could be Indian looking but not sure if they are females yelling come here from inside dark guest houses.

Blow by blow. Taxi at 5:30 AM from Soi 4 to the new airport. Don’t worry about the name. Just say the new one - not the old one. Tollways. Thanks. Going to sleep now. Arrive at airport, new one, at 6:00 AM and head for Air Asia check in. I completely space that one cannot carry liquids on board anymore. Great. My bag is full of everything containing liquid I freakin own and each one is like 125 ML or 150 ML. Limit is 4-5 items at 100 ML. Great. I take my chances since I don’t want to check my luggage to give me the best shot of getting to the Thailand Embassy before they close to visa applications. That is 12:00 PM btw. If you take the Air Asia flight in the morning at 7:25 you should get to Penang by 10:15. In typical fashion since our pilot was a Thai, we landed early. See - they all drive too fast. Even in the air.

Let’s step back to the airport though. I get to the gates and need to pass security. Of course they are looking for idiots like me who got up too early, packed in the dark and are completely ignorant about carry on rules. They grab my hair gel, my deodorant, my face scrub, my lotion and try to get the shower cream but let it go since it is only 5 ML over. I tried everything to sweet talk them into leaving me alone but nothing worked. They loved my shirt, they loved the tats and I slayed them with the sweetest Thai I could muster. Nothing. I suck. During this time though, some male only child from Japan who clearly got screwed over by a few hotties from R4, had a similar issue but he was also trying to drive his kart through security with too many bags as well. He freaked and tried to make a mad dash. Security ensued. Looked bad but I had to move on. Could have been a precious uTube moment but I needed to catch my flight. I love the Japanese but when they lose it, believe me these Thai girls know how to push the Japanese crazy button - it is quite a sight.

Okay. To the boarding area but never fear because I paid an extra 200 baht for express boarding. Made sense to me. I can sit near the front of the plane, check the hostess while she crosses and uncrosses her legs during announcements in order to be one of the first to deplane so I can get to the taxis before the Malay dude with more ear hair than pmmp has on his head does. Sounds great on paper but this is where Air Asia falls apart. So yes - I get to board first. First to board the freakin bus. Then the bus gets totally rammed and I am one of the last to get off. The staff could give a shit about the express boarding customers actually boarding the plane first. Pretty much defeats the whole purpose. I will be emailing to complain but I doubt it will do any good. Tony - suck me.

So as stated before we arrive early and I am stoked. I head to the arrival gates. No bags to pick up and walk right outside but then I realize 2 guards have been trying to stop me but I am rocking out with my iPod (no Jesus phone yet) and did not see or hear them. Seems I forgot to immigrate due to the fact that I walked right out of the domestic arrivals without realizing it. Jesus folks. Put some signs up. Anyway. They missed the Thai girls I was smuggling in my luggage and just directed me back towards the international arrivals area. Close one.

Changed money and got the official taxi to the Thai Embassy. 38 RM. They know were the embassy is. I turned in my paperwork and he tried to hand half of it back to me. Then he asked was I wanting a 1 year multiple visa? Yes sir. Okay give me the paperwork back. Yup. He still manages to hand some back to me. I never get what they want or don’t want. Price for 1 year multiple is 550 RM. That is up from last year by 50 RM. Nice. Hopefully will be picking up the visa tomorrow or going postal.

Okay. Back out to the street to get a taxi into Georgetown. I don’t have a hotel and thought I would walk the old quarter to find something dingy. Taxi tout wanted 16 RM. I said to eff off. Another one wanted 14 RM. I told him he could fondle the other driver for 2 RM. I HATE taxis in Malaysia. Use the meter. Damn. I think this is the scourge of Malaysian tourism and I plan on using a DOS attack on the the Malaysian tousirm website just to get even. Kills me. Finally got a driver with ZERO ear hair to drop me where I wanted for 10 RM. Which is still more than the meter I assume.

Alright. So I started walking around and one of the rickshaw dudes comes up and say for 3 RM he will cruise around to help me find a hotel. Cool. Pass a couple of places and end up on Love Lane, sounds promising, but have no idea where to stay. We pass by this place called Oasis Hotel. Looks okay from the outside. I hear Thai music playing. Cool. Talk to the Chinese hottie at the counter who also speaks Thai. Book me. 30 RM a night. She is so cute. Could be love. She takes me to the room. I imagined her taking a break from the desk job to better acquaint me with my new digs. Right. Unlocks the door and shows me in. No bathroom but aircon. Basically a dump. I am an idiot. Oh well. Saves cash for other endeavors. Suffering builds character. I am a struggling writer anyway. I won’t die.

Sleep and then back out. Looks like there is a cool Chinese place to eat close by. Will write it up if tasty. Passing one of the smaller sois I notice some really dark looking hewomen loitering in the lobby of a small dark guesthouse. They keep whistling and telling me to come inside. I get up close enough to realize that even those big ladyboys cruising soi 4 at 6 in the morning look better than these things. Scary. I run for cover. Be afraid.

Apart from KL I never have had a good experience in Malaysia when in comes to sarging or P4P. KL has done me right a few times. The kindergarten teacher from Sabah I pulled from the Beach Club still brings tears to me eyes but Penang… I just don’t see the light at the end of tunnel. I shall keep looking though. I have time.

Free WIFI courtesy of the Banana New Guest House on Chulia Street. Ice coffee 2 RM. WiFI free and power as well. Bring your own adapter folks. HK plug style. Apart from the girl at the desk being a guy who does not speak Thai - this looks like a better place to stay but I am committed.

May the force be with u all. More soon from the land of smelly, but don’t bring it into your hotel room, Durian laden Penang.