With so many books on the subject, countless blogs and even Mrs. Stick - I thought it was time to clear the air and help my fellow brethren out. You obviously took the time to find her, wine her, dine her and pay the lifetime bar so what you need now is the guide - the definitive guide - to making sure you can keep a good thing going.
You did pay the lifetime bar I hope?
God knows having to kick her out and send her back to the pole is mighty painful - some die over it - but who wants to pay another lifetime bar? Let alone train another 18 year old in how to perform the perfect blowie, master a proper Farang breakfast and to leave you alone during the morning throne room time. Not you. You are too good for that. Ignore the rest - Tricycle knows best.
Once again these are not in any particular order but avoid them at your peril.
The Lifetime Bar:
Fucking pay it. The reality is you will be visiting your bird’s bar more than any other bar. Sure night’s out with the boys, about once a month now, will allow you to explore the likes of Suttisan or some other place that the bargirl network your girl subscribes to can’t reach but for the most part your nights out will be with your bird and at her bar. You really want the whole tribe looking at you each time knowing you can’t afford the lifetime bar? I don’t think so. Pay it. Get some good clean bills and hand it over knowing it will create a strong foundation for the future life with your honey. Keep in mind also that you will earn major brownie points with the management of the bar. Lifetime bar money will go right into the pockets of the mamasan and the floor manager. The owners will never see it since they won’t know it has even been paid to begin with. Think of it as wealth transference. They will love you for it.
Salary - Play Money - Pay per Bang - Per Diem:
Let’s be honest, you didn’t pull her of the pole so she could go get a full-time job now did u? You took the tight little honey off the market so you could bang her on a regular basis without having to think in terms of bar fines, short times and long times. Fine. Let’s be honest though - she needs money, her family needs money and her friends need to go out sometime and when they do she needs to pay the bill. The biggest face saving maneuver you could do is open up a joint account with her and make sure it has cash in it. You trusted her enough to bring her into your home so trust her now with some cash. Just simplify and move on to higher ground.
Her friends:
Although she has left the bar she has not left her friends. Jing jing. That is her support group, her therapist network(why does he spend an hour in the toilet every morning), and her tether back to mother ship in case you dump her and she returns to work. Yes – accept it now. If you dump her she returns to the bar. No matter how many English lessons you paid for, the part-time job at the salon you helped her to get (BTW she does not actually work there but shows up everyday to make you feel better) or the palace you may have built up in Sisaket – she will return to the bar within a month of you dumping her. It is genetic. Given all this it is best to allow her to keep up appearances.
My suggestion is every 3 months you hand her 10k and tell her to go barfine her friends and take them all out for a night of sanook. Suggest a place like Hollywood or Dance Fever and go with them. She needs to be the one to pay the tab for the night. Think face. Makes up for the other bullshit you put her through. At least you will have some coyote eye candy to fantasize about (yes – she gained weight since she quit working the pole – what did u think would happen?) and will allow you to see if any of her friends are a possible replacement choice for down the road. Sure – you may be thinking bargirl party back at the pad but she won’t like that suggestion. Trust me. Your 3some awaits you at the Eden Club providing your sweet thing did not work on Suk 7/1. You forgot about that didn’t you?
Living Arrangements:
You may have built the pad for the family but most of the time there are so many others living in it that her immediate family will come down and stay with you in Bangkok. Get a 2-bedroom place and make sure you have a proper kitchen otherwise they will cook in the living room. They will probably overstay their welcome but only by a few months but there is nothing you can do about this. These are the parents of the love of your life and you will use this later when you bargain on the sinsot. You can add up all the money you wasted on them and deduct it from the sinsot. Just think of it as your Isaan savings account. There is another bennie to them coming down often - you can go out and tell your honey that she needs quality time with the folks and you need a breather. Head down to the massage joints and shag a real hottie. Yearn for the days when your girl used to thrill you in the same way. Can you say strange?
The last bennie, tread carefully here, is that her younger sister will start to come around more as she reaches that age. You know – the age where mom and dad think she is old enough to at least be a service girl in her older sister’s go-go bar. This is music to your ears. She will need to be broken in prior to hitting the pole - which usually comes just a few months after she starts the service gig. So keep putting up with that smell of the bu balaa in the fridge since your time is coming. One night over some Mekong sodas dad is going to ask if you would be willing to do the deed. He wants it to be someone they know, someone who gets the seriousness of the situation and who better than you? Take the deal but try to keep it a secret if you can. Sure you are going to have to pay dad for the privilege but compared to the money you have already wasted (charm bracelet) this is nothing. Good things come to those who wait. Fresh strange.
Gold Shops:
You can try to avoid them all you want but every bargirl yearns for some gold and your girl is no different. Don’t believe me? Try the “my bargirl is different than all the other bargirls” test. Check out her breasts – does she have 3 of them? No - she has two. Same same – not different. Point is she wants some gold, her family wants her to have some gold and her friends think you are a cheap ass, again, for not buying any. Notice that each time you go shopping at Care4 or Tesco that there is a gold shop brooding over you while you waste away in the checkout line. What do you think that is all about? She picked that line buddy so you would have to stare at the gold shop and stare at her big, sexy doe eyes making love to the gold. Just deal with it but do it right.
Get matching charm bracelets. Have your name inscribed on hers and her name on yours but choose the charm items that have meaning. Best to hit one of the tacky shops in MBK that specialize in this. They have buffalo charms, mortar and pestle charms to represent the creation of somtum, a small replica Isaan house charm (they might look like the small pieces from the monopoly game), rice fields and so on. With the new technology that is used for those crystal laser cubes you see on the street all the time, they can even make mini charms out of your faces. This will end the gold lust for a while but probably not forever.
The Thai Boyfriend:
This is the hardest part of the scenario to come to grips with but it is real so therefore it has to be said. She probably has a Thai boyfriend on the side. I know. It is tough but that guy who pretends to be a DJ in the go-go bar is the culprit. He is shagging all of them. Don’t ask me why but it just is the case so best to deal with the situation head on in the your most face saving Thai way. Confrontation would be silly - at best.
As an aside one could wish that your girl did not have a boyfriend at all but that is probably wishful thinking since you know how her Mom is always asking for the addition to the pad and the air-conditioning? Since you always say no you probably think the matter is settled. Well - it’s not. Its festering like a genital wart with no intention of going away on its own. Given this - every time your girl is on the phone with Mom it is being discussed but it’s that part they do in passaa Isaan when they talk really fast in hopes you don’t have a fucking clue as to what they they are saying. Correct - the Thai lessons only go so far. Point is the mother needs a bigger pad and she wants air. Since you aren’t paying for it someone has to. So, if you are lucky, the guy on the side funding the air and the porch is a Farang. A white guy. Breath a sigh of relief. Chances are he wears a rubber. If so - move on. Case closed.
If the example above does not hold relevance then we are back to the Thai DJ scenario. Thai guys know how to work their magic - they always convince the girls to do the deed without a condom. Somthing about it not feeling the same and denying the male his natural born right to do it bareback. Anyway. Usually the girls says yes - notice all the babies? Thai guys love girls with a Farang boyfriend because usually the Farang has his girl on the pill so he can shag his missus like nature intended. This is just a bonus to the Thai dude since he gets his kicks with no baby fears. Briliant. Anyway - point is you need to tackle the issue head on. Pick up a carton of cigs and a case of condoms. Some time, when no one is looking, slide over to the DJ both and hand them both over. Nothing needs to be said since he will get it. Trust me.
Great stuff. Tells it like it is.
View all comments by Daywalker
Friggin Geneous!
View all comments by radicalron
I guess you meant this to be humourous and it is, but certainly not a real guide to handling an ex bar girl …
paying a life time barfine, what a waste of money ..
giving a salary, silly isn’t it .. unless she is still just a whore to you
Don’t let the family move in, they will never leave.. so either make that clear before you invite her in .. or, rent another place a bit away from yours for them to stay in .
as far as the younger sister .. just remember the old lovin’ spoonful song .. ‘then you better make up your mind, say yes to one and leave the other behind, it ain’t often easy and often unkind, but you better make up your mind”
gold shops, for birthdays only .. and then within reason
Thai b/f, first sign of one, get rid of her .. and make sure she knows you are serious .. unless you want whatever he has??
View all comments by oaktoad
just getting my T.G. fitted with her 3rd breast now ….because she’s different..!!! honest guv’nor !
View all comments by jonfumu
oak - u seem to speaking from jilted experience?
j - I suppose bumrungrad may have run on this new, but special procedure.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
dw: doing my best
rr: bouts of it
oak: u seem to be doubting the knowledge and wisdom I am sharing here. your use of the dreaded w word makes u sound angry. If she came from the pole I mean she is one right? but its not so bad. better than a girl pretending to be a gf but is actually - I can’t say it.
j: fuck. I never suspected one might add the 3rd breast just to be different, not same. impressive.
View all comments by Tricycle
good points about the gold and the thai bf. i love when my hoe looks like mr. T. the last time i bought her a medallion i had a gold dookie chain custom made just so she can be the illest chick in the fishbowl.
about the thai bf. i found that photoshop really comes in handy with this. take him out for a night on the town. make sure you take lots of pics of him chugging on a few bottles of beer. when you get home open your “regrettable decisions folder” and find the pic of the ugly 60 year old you let blow you. or perhaps you happened to be really drunk in a soi 2 club when you happened upon to guys in the toilet. not being one to waste a memory you snapped a photo. anyways, put the dudes head onto the cock and make lots of copies. for this mission you should have a ninja suit available. if you don’t happen to own one make quick trip to sampeng to get one. dress up in your ninja attire and stealthily walk around soi cowboy and sit in a dark corner. using your ninja focus and stealth tape the photoshopped picture up around the bar where all the girls can see with a note saying something to the effect of “do you know where that mouth has been” in thai of course. repeat until effective.
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
@UCW: What kind of fabrics are ninja suits generally cut from? Can they be worn with lightweight dress shoes? How about a bandana?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
saltydripsslippingoffyourhairyspine - checking for that folder right now
bbb - I am pretty sure raja’s on nana has the patterns in stock with a choice of fabrics based on the weather. all of them only come in black.
they don’t have these though:
http://www.whipperleys.co.uk/acatalog/balaclava_knitted_balaclavas.html
you have to pick those up on soi towel head. I am still looking BTW
View all comments by sideshowBOB
no, sideshow, speaking from successful experience
View all comments by oaktoad
@ssB: I’ve got the balaclavas covered via the Irish connection, back when terrorists were REAL terrorists.
You think Raja could knock up a one-off pink ninja suit for YP?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bbb - sure I think they need some money given hotel david looks to be permanently stalled.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
another “how to” guide? BBK, is that you trying to take the piss?
View all comments by generous sponsor
gs: the man that giveth too much. don’t insult me
let my record show for itself.
http://www.tfs2m.com/reader-submissions/2008/07/11/tricycles-guide-to-really-working-the-g-clubs-on-the-cheap/
View all comments by Tricycle
Very funny and entertaining post.
View all comments by Greg
Speaking of, has anyone seen this movie? http://www.routledge-ny.com/ref/documentary/bangkok.html
Seems there is more than one film out there about the scene.
View all comments by Julian
the thing about wearing a ninja suit in a go-go bar is that you want to remain stealth but if you happen to be spotted by a dancer you still want to impress. there is a fine selection of louis vuitton, burberry and gucci patterns. one advisable solution to this problem is having a double sided suit with the black on one side and the brightly colored on the other. that way you can easily switch out and change so as not to raise any suspicions. say once you’ve finished your mission you can walk into the restroom and turn the suit inside out revealing the flashy more fetching side. in the ninja business this is the equivalent of the mullet as it’s a great way of mixing ones commitment to being the best ninja with the urge to let it all hang out.
i would advise to stay away from synthetic ninja suits since they chafe in the crotch area which we all know is the worst thing that can happen to a ninja.
ssb- did you find the folder yet?
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
freackin hilarious n quite some semblance of truth there put in a humourous style. love it!
View all comments by limmy
un - my computer appears not to have one of those folders. weird.
julian - interesting. anyone see the soi cowboy moving yet?
View all comments by sideshowBOB
if she came from the pole she is a whore ??
with that attitude, no wonder you have so many problems
as I noted, if you treat her like a whore, what do you expect her to act like
treat her like someone that you love and respect and you will have a very different experience
then again, most guys do not bother to think this thru until they are shacked up .. too late then to really do much ..
need to plan this, cover the topics before you start to live together..
View all comments by oaktoad
Are there some girls working the pole who aren’t whores?
We should be informed…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
oakey fanoakey: if i recall you started using the W word. not I. who said I had any problems - I wrote the freaking definitive guide to not having any problems. As GI Joe, the cartoon, always said - knowing is half the battle.
View all comments by Tricycle
oakley - we could get into the whole - shades of grey discussion but they are selling themselves last time I checked but that word. I hate it but anyway my advice is never, ever live together.
bbb - in some areas. I heard anyway.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
Seems like Oak missed the point that it was satire….
View all comments by Pattaya Ghost
casper patts: you need to check my stall in mbk next time you hit the big city. this was just one big pre advertisement for a new biz idea.
View all comments by Tricycle
I’ve heard of this buying a girl from the bar but it is beyond my understanding. It’s not like the bar owns the girls working there. Or do only there truly dumb and senseless pay this? Or is a joke I never got?
View all comments by Mr Right
This was one of the more enjoyable reads…well-done.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Just what exactly are you doing for an hour in the bathroom in the morning? Enquiring minds want to know…
View all comments by Cruizn
BBB - “Are there some girls working the pole who aren’t whores?”
You see….I’m from Poland. So does this mean that any girl who tries to get something from me for nothing is a whore?
View all comments by TeenageFC
My grandfather always told me not to trust a dark-haired Pole…of course, he was Italian..so who knows what the hell he was talking about anyway.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
mr right - let me give u the other side of the coin. in many cases the bar is the “home” for the girl. If she had a good home she probably would not be in the bar to begin with. the lifetime bar has 2 angles to it. 1 - it could just be that a very regular customer pays it out of convenience for the girl and for himself. every time he is in town the girl hangs with him and he has nothing to pay and she does not have to be concerned with time off. it is like a hall pass for her and ease of use for him.
2. maybe he pays it based on the tricycle model to make the girl his gf or live in or mia noi. let’s say things dont work out and she needs a job. the bar welcomes her back right away cause everyone left on good terms. sounds silly maybe but it is how it works and has done so for a long time. some people choose not too pay it which is fine but the girl may not get her old job back so easy. really depends on the bar, the girls and the business climate.
t - I think u described the opposite of the w word?
View all comments by sideshowBOB
cousin z: waxing gibbous
View all comments by Tricycle
I guess that is better than waning…that usually comes later, I guess…
View all comments by Indu WangZi
“Since you always say no you probably think the matter is settled. Well - it’s not. Its festering like a genital wart with no intention of going away on its own.”
That’s priceless!
View all comments by Fanta
absolutely priceless read 3 WHEELER ,keep it up sat here nearly pissing my pants with laughter
@ucw did hear rajas were looking at a designer range of fabrics for the ninja suits this season to match up with all the dress shoes that are available, dont know how the stealth thing is going to go ?
just got back from the LOS great work
View all comments by ICWATERS
I always wondered about the lifetime bar and how it worked out for the girl.
I was offered one once for 10k but declined for the simple reason that she could easily have moved bar the next week and it certainly wasn’t going to follow her.
Does anyone know how it works from the girl’s side? I mean, they have BF targets for the month so if you have her out for a couple of weeks and she doesn’t make her target does she get her wages cut?
View all comments by WarCorresponentDave
My take on this was that most bar girls take their mobile phone into the bathroom with them. While their current paying customer is in the room watching tv or sleeping, she is calling customers or punching out SMS messages to her regulars to maintain contact, or convincing her overseas sponsor that she is at home where he expects her to be and not in a hotel room with some fat German.
Of course tricycle may have had a completely different idea in mind.
In addition to what ssB said on this point, I’ll add that a go go dancer usually works where her friends are. If she stops working, she still wants to be able to go visit them, day or night. Paying the ‘bar fine for life’ (which is typically in the range of 10K) keeps her on good terms with the management so that she is welcome in as a customer in the nightime or a visitor in the daytime. Without this, she might not be able to socialize with her friends.
As ssB points out, it also buys her the goodwill to be able to go back to that bar and work if things go pear shaped with her new boyfriend.
While the latter reason may be an argument NOT to pay it, the first reason might be a very good reason TO pay it, since this is likely to be your girl’s only social network, and will probably include her very best friend(s). Refusing to pay it may cut her off from them.
Bar fines for life — or buying a girl out of the bar — is just a financial compensation to the bar owner for taking some of his talent (and if you have good taste, most likely his best talent) away. For the 10 or 20 K that it costs, it isn’t really expensive in the scheme of things, and it may provide a lot of peace of mind to the girl.
Girls definitely have quotas for barfines and lady drinks every month, and they definitely get their wages cut for falling short on the quota. Of course, if you are tipping generously enough, she may be perfectly happy to give up most or all of her month’s wages to spend a couple of weeks with you.
View all comments by Werewolf
So would you refer to one of these girls as your “life bartner”?
View all comments by Combover
no, I didn’t miss the point that it was satire.. I said in my first post ‘homourous’
however, the OP seems to think his advice is good
I don’t .. just like Stick (whose column I quit reading years ago) and others, they post mostly nonsense .. like paying a lifetime bar fine so that the girl can go back and visit
for those of us who have been around, the lifetime bar fine didn’t even exist say 10-15 years ago.. then the bar owners realized that there are suckers who will not wait until the end of the month for the girl to finish her ‘contract’ and they can get more money out of the suckers for this ..
as satire it is OK.. but as a real guide to how to handle bargirls LT, it is far from the mark …
View all comments by oaktoad
OakT — Pretty much everything Tri says TO do he REALLY means DON’T DO. Maybe read his other piece on g-clubs to get it.
My thought is is paying “lifetime bar fines” is for suckers. That’s also what I saw T sayi in this piece.
View all comments by Pattaya Ghost
casper patts: floor 3 mbk - back corner near the bust enhancing cream stalls. limited edition charm bracelets. you got first dibs on the franchise for pattaya. I swear…
View all comments by Tricycle
I’d never heard of a lifetime barfine, except in the curtain bars of Hong Kong, where a few years ago they were going for HK$30,000 or so. And I do know a guy that did this, married the girl and they’re still quite happily together 6 years later. She’s a Pino though, and he’d done it previously for another girl with disastrous consequences.
I’m much more entertained by the idea, proposed elsewhere in these pages (or others, I can’t really remember) a few months ago, that you pay a BG 5000 baht upfront for 10 short times. Would love to see anyone try to enforce that one once the money had been handed over!
View all comments by Combover
Only way to have a successful relationship with a whore is to act like a pimp. Take her money, cheat on her, be insanely jealous and slap her occasionally. Add to the mix a degree of protection and do sex to her the way she was taught by her father. She lies on her back and you pound the fuck out of her whilst your drunk. She’ll love you for it - the same way she loves her dad and her Thai boyfriend. Think Sport from Taxi Driver (”your my little piece of chicken” is a line you should use for all Thai tart-friends) and read the book Pimp by Iceberg Slim.
I read the Hansum Boy post first and made a comment about life bar fines, i guess it should be here - strange. To re-cap, don’t pay. If you want to give money to a fat mamasaan then your daft, much better to give it to me - I’ll spread it around a little more fairly.
View all comments by Tiny Mouse
itty bitty mouse: wow. funny stuff.
she told me she does not love her bf all that much.
you got me seriously fucking confused now.
View all comments by Tricycle
Werewolf on the money as always
View all comments by Hawaiian Punk
An excellent fictitious piece! That or you really got the karma kick in the balls big time.
Either way, I’m laughing my ass off.
View all comments by Bubba