A well-known woman of the cloth once said that “the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread”. Although it’s unlikely she had the lonely farang expat in mind, sating one’s hunger for love can be a well nigh impossible task for some in the City of Angels (assuming, of course, you succumb to such a weakness). At first, it seems a cruel irony – a land with so many beautiful young women and inept, insensitive local men lead one to the natural conclusion that it should be easy pickings for the relatively well-groomed/mannered farang, however, as discussed ad nauseum on this board and elsewhere, examples of people making a meaningful, lasting connection (assuming that’s what you want) are few and far between.
Many ideas have been vetted to address this issue, such as “learn the local lingo”, “only have relationships with good girls”, “don’t have any relationships longer than a night”, etc. However, many of us reach an age (I’d say it’s around 40), when bar hopping and whoring lose their appeal, especially for some long term expats. Many such expats also like to make life more difficult by stubbornly insist on limiting their pool of Thai girl contacts to those employed in the naughty nightlife industry – this has always been a puzzle to me and seems ridiculous for anyone who is here on a semi-permanent basis, but so it is. After reading pmmp’s piece on the potential headaches involved in being a “knight in shining armour”, I got to wondering what, if anything, the long term expat could do to find the diamond in the rough and avoid hooking up with one of the many mentally disturbed, yaa baa addicted, overly tattooed/pierced slappers shouldered with the additional burdens of supporting the drinking and gambling habits of their up country family? For those expats who want a relationship lasting more than a week and don’t like to venture outside of the three headed dragon of patpong/nana/cowboy, here’s a checklist that might get you from lonesome to love struck:
1. Pick a bar, any bar. The first step would be to find a bar you’re comfortable going to, which has a steady change in lineup, and perhaps most important, where you can get to know one of the more influential mamasans. Buy her a few drinks, chat her up, give her your number and make sure you are on the inside track for any new talent. This is the first step in separating the wheat from the chaff– you want to get a fresh girl before the stink of the naughty nightlife rubs off on her too much.
2. Picking the girl. Assuming mamasan does her job, you should be provided with regular updates of fresh young things from SakonNakon, Ubon, Udon wherever. Now you have to refine your criteria a bit to get rid of a little more chaff. Of course, the first thing you’ll be able to answer off the bat is whether or not she’s attractive enough and if there’s that magical “spark”. If she passes these two tests, then this is what you want to know (if the answers to any of these are yes, then she’s chaff – keep sifting for diamonds):
- any children (you don’t need such baggage)
- any signs of addiction (should be obvious why you’d want to avoid this, unless you’re an absolute saint or lunatic)
- any older brothers (most likely will be a drain on her finances and means she was probably a plaything for their friends before the move to BKK)
- any excessive tattoos/body piercings
- any other sign of mental instability
- former farang boyfriend
- bad breath/yellow or missing teeth (a personal pet peeve of mine – sometimes hard to spot unless you get up close and personal)
3. Tie breakers
- father still around (if yes, then probably chaff – same problem as with older brothers)
- younger brothers or sisters (more financial issues)
- age (younger the better)
- education (higher the better)
- large extended fami
- ever slept with farang
- new to Bangkok (you want a local girl or at least one that’s familiar with the city, all else being equal)
So what are the characteristics of this diamond? First, you’ve determined that you’re attracted and that there’s a spark. You know there’s no baggage to worry about. Her financial commitments are minimal. She hasn’t suffered from too many broken hearts. In essence, she’s a clean slate and offers the chance to build something meaningful – if you think about it, rescuing this kind of girl is the ultimate goal of a knight in shining armour – you’re rescuing her from ever having to witness some of the bad sides of the naughty night life (versus a more experienced girl who has already gone through the ringer). The big downside is that she might be a bit of a bore and not much different from the stereotypica “good Thai girls” – there is, after all, something to be said about the personality rich slapper who speaks decent English and knows how to make her farang laugh.
pmmp…ignore item No.5 - this doesn’t apply to you.
View all comments by Day walker
ggg: Nice post especially the bit about rescuing her before she enters the dark world. However, with all this criteria to meet I’m afraid it will be like finding a needle in a horstack.
dw: Mental instability can be cute. Severe mental illness with violent outbursts…not cute.
View all comments by pmmp
Hypothetical scenario:
Let’s say you’re 40 and you find a girl you want live with using these rules….
So you’ll turn 50 when she turns 30. She’s always been good to you.
She’s good at making you comfortable and taking care of you and you love her like she is your sister but you simply have lost interest in having sex with her and conversation with her is as mundane as watching paint dry. After having lived many years in Thailand and having learned the language you realize there is an ocean of free pussy out there but having a gig is not working for you because she is too jealous and possessive and you don’t like sneaking around behind her back. You are faced with the option of fucking around and then dealing with passive aggressive female drama at home or being sexually frustrated. Either way you are unhappy.
One day you decide that to become happy again you need to end the relationship but….
She has no education, no job prospects, too old to find a new sponsor or go back to the bar, no family fortune to fall back on… without you she is ruined.
In order to be happy again you have to destroy her world, dumping her is the emotional equivalent of murdering her family…. but you have grown fond of her over the years and very much care about her wellbeing.
You might at this point say to yourself: “If only I would have chosen a girl with a university degree and a proper day job I would have a painless exit from this shitty situation”.
View all comments by Orion
…. you have to be cruel to be kind.
…. some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue
View all comments by Day walker
of course, your own wellbeing comes first.
View all comments by Orion
Could send her to Georgia where they would also “love her like a Sister”.
View all comments by Day walker
great post. I am a big fan of the diamond in the rough. When I first hit the scene I found an 18 yo diamond who was new to the whole thing. I was with her for over 18 months. It was great. The problem is I got bored of her not trying to better herself. She was lazy. Nice but lazy. So I broke it off. I see her from time to time and due to my early training she has a nice boyfriend and doing okay.
The second time this has happened I took a different approach. I won’t live with the girl and I told her she has to have a decent job and go to school. She is doing both and doing well. She is still a monster in the sack and is willing to do things that a proper girl never would. Think regular 3somes and tons of sexual exploration. A lot of it instigated by her. She is also learning to be independent and manage herself well. It may work out. It may not but we both know she is better off and I am not afraid to cut the cord if needed. The biggest thing I learned from all of this is to not be afraid of cutting the cord. It makes me way more confident and she realizes it could all go any second. Hence - she works harder to make things happen.
View all comments by smitty
I’m partial to finding the diamond in the muff…
View all comments by Psi100th
30 is not too old for the bars. Have you been there??!!!
View all comments by m
m - not to the ones farangs go to recently
smitty - that’s exactly the way to go!
View all comments by Orion
You mean you can have the same girl more than one night?
View all comments by Jack Dawson
jd - only if she brings her uni friends home with her.
View all comments by smitty
@ Orion: Very interesting scenario.
I’m still working on the answer.
At the same time that 10 years you mentioned is a helluva long time.
I’m still wondering how you get a smart Uni chick (mean Rolodexes I’ve heard) to hang in once “the paint has dried” on her farang fetish phase or for that matter once “the paint has dried” on that “damaged goods” image and/or she gets another shot with a Thai man (who wants kids, has SOME background etc.)
In other words what happens when life itself interferes with your dreams
I’ve just heard that the odds are about the same in both cases.
But this is all worth a longer closer look.
BTW Thai chickies do read this blog
View all comments by Thongsuk
Thongsuk - what’s better than a hot young Gucci wearing Chula girl who just wants to use you for sex and does NOT under any circumstance want you to meet her family and understands that your relationship is nothing but a non-exclusive temporary fling… even if you don’t.
I adore the little brats
Of course you’ll get hurt if you’re a hopeless romantic and fall in love with a true hiso girl, but I don’t think many of them are dumb enough to advertise to the world that they used to bang a farang before they enter the Thai marriage market.
View all comments by Orion
Lonely expats trawling Bangkok in pursuit of monogamous relationships complete with intellectual stimulation & mutual intrests? Forgotten what it was like back home?
View all comments by Wombat
@ orion - funny but I lived your scenario - some differences, I was 36 and she was 30. Did it make me feel bad … sure you don’t cut people loose after living together for 11 years without a few pangs of something (never been big on guilt) but at the end of the day the reality is that you have a choice ALL THE TIME. At some point in any relationship with anyone (ferang, Thai, GTG, BG) you have to ask yourself - Am I happy. Simple.
View all comments by Psi100th
Hi Orion:
in Fab a hi-so jazz joint near BTS Ploenchit 
4-5 Chula/Thammasat grads “of a certain age” listening to the music, drinking Amarone and joking with the gay waiters . . . . . . just gagging for it. They were hot. (Think spas, creams, workouts, few illusions. Yeah, Thai cougars 
But they could get “stalky” as well if they weren’t getting enough attention. Had one track me down to the office.
Used to pick up their divorced mothers and aunties (late 30’s early 40’s - them, not me
Please. No big hair khunying fatty jokes
BF was a bottle of ripasso, Lambrusco, Cab-Sav etc.
Better if you could speak some French/Italian.
They needed that re-assurance that they’re not showing their fantastic bra and pantie sets and their still pert little quims to just anybody.
Demure rather than shy.
Leave the Camel Adventure wear and Rolex fake at home BTW
And yeah, fer shure “Ferangs are fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one,” was definitely the vibe. (They were not boring in the least They got that joke BTW… . Ritualistically sexy and they could get “internet nasty”.)
*sigh*
I’m a little further along than you . . . dunno yet whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing but i think the good news is that there IS life after 40.
View all comments by Thongsuk
Quote of the week:
Leave the Camel Adventure wear and Rolex fake at home BTW ;-).
Had a Thai/American friend living here for a while that mined the older rich Thai women scene very well. He would go to some of the nicer hotel bars and hang out. They liked his mixed look but loved that he spoke flawless Thai. They were subtle about needing to get banged but once they reached that point they would tear him up. Buy him drinks and drive him to their pad to pummel him. Then tell him to leave and not call. Sounds fun to me…
View all comments by smitty
Thongsuk - let me call around, maybe we can setup a daughter mother double date. We’ll pretend you’re my dad ;). I have been violated by 30-ish sexually frustrated Thai women before and they really can be fun in the bedroom if they have bothered to stay in shape. I think lonely 30+ Thai women are a goldmine for older men who know how to find them.
Psi100 - wasn’t meant to be funny because it’s not and I think you can find a lot of people that can relate to this scenario. The moral of my story is that gogo girls are damaged goods and getting emotionally involved with one is a bad idea, even if she is a good sweet person that would never harm you.
Of course if someone stays in a relationship that makes him unhappy just out of pity he’s a sucker, and will be miserable for “perpetuity” (or until common sense do us part).
View all comments by Orion
@ Orion well she wasn’t GG, but had lived near the scene. Didn’t mean funny haha - basically I agree I’ve been here for 20 years - in that time I personally have never seen a BG/Farang relationship work - never, that is apart from the way they’re meant to work.
And the 30+’s totally agree - nice diversion, if they’ve stayed in shape, from the twenty year olds now and then.
View all comments by Psi100th
Just to add a different perspective, in the US I’ve never seen a farang-farang relationship work out. Plenty of nasty divorces and for the folks that do stick it out they are some of the most miserable people on earth.
30+’s, is that Kilos? If so then I agree otherwise…uh uh.
View all comments by pmmp
I shared a jacuzzi with a 43yr old bird (and an egg McMuffin) and I must say that her body put a lot of ‘younguns’ to shame.
Even pmmp paid her a compliment?!?!
Smitty was more interested in the McMuffin.
View all comments by Day Walker
Yes, she did have a killer body for 43, but unlike her body her face lost the battle with time. Time even got pissed that the body beat it so it beat up the face even more than normal
View all comments by pmmp
She had a face? I was looking at the boobies.
View all comments by Day Walker
Hi Orion: You’ve been around Thai women long enough to know that if you actually succeed in your search for Mom and “Mem” that they’d be quite “unique.”
It is probably but by NO means a sure thing which of us would end up with “Mom”
View all comments by Thongsuk
Thongsuk - I don’t think it would be hard to find but they wouldn’t be very hiso
View all comments by Orion
Yeah, this kind of flexibility would clearly relate inversely to the mother/daughter team’s snack-bracket. I, uh, wouldn’t want to see these particular players, to be quite candid.
As smitty manages to reveal (as only a gentleman can - without boasting) there’s a virtual ocean of pussy out there.
And you seem to be coping not to badly yourself.
Actually, Horatio.
(May I call you Horatio for just a minute?)
If you only knew . . .
View all comments by Thongsuk
Very well My Lord
The gain in courting such a duo
Is that we need merely wine and dine them with Larb Kai and Lao Kao
And a mighty penny shall savest thou!
View all comments by Orion
Hmm, I managed to get one of these older hotel bar chicks into the sack once. She was a designer, drove a BMW, wore Prada - or somesuch, I actually have no idea what bag brand she was toting that week - wouldn’t do BJs and nicked my phone.
Conversely, I’ve never had anything stolen by any conniving little pole hugger, despite ample opportunity.
View all comments by Combover
co - that sucks. Why would she need to steal? Strange.
I guess the grass is always greener syndrome happens a lot in bkk. I can be out at siam paragon drooling over some hi-so honey thinking wow - life would be the bomb with this girl. Then I know I should wake up. She will be probably be high maintenance with a very bad ratio of head to overhead. Then again maybe not?
i guess we want it all really. That’s the problem. The diamond in the rough scenario seems to work for me most times. Head to overhead is low. Remember - pick one with not so much family or a family that works for a living. Seems to cure the - my family needs stuff mode. In fact some of the girls don’t want to give crap to their family cause they know they should not have to. Even better.
I think when they are young enough and not spoiled they adapt to things and realize life is better if they don’t call me all the time. Not asking questions when I say tonight I am out with the boys is better for everyone. I guess it is training to some extent but it can make for fairly good times.
Then again I saw this uni hottie today and we started chatting and well…
I guess it never really stops.
View all comments by smitty
I don’t think she actually needed to steal my phone. She think she took it and probably threw it away as my punishment for asking for a BJ, a filthy request one would obviously only make of a prostitute.
View all comments by Combover
bitch.
however the uni girls with braces come around quite well. They may not know how to do it well but they know how to be careful and they want to see if they can do the job. Seems to work better than lolitas at times.
View all comments by smitty
smitty - hiso hotties have their own money to pay for dinner, and daddy buys her gucci bags so you don’t have to.
Bust her balls that she’s poor if she doesn’t volunteer to share the bill, if she doesn’t think it’s funny find another one.
View all comments by Orion
My first Thai girl was 39, had beautiful C breast and went to the gym three days a week. Lost my Thailand virginity on Phuket with her, great memories.
The best BJ I ever got was still from an Ex-Farang GF in Farangland. Will check out Lolitas next week for research if my travel schedule allows it…
View all comments by Phoenix
@co: Ever consider that the bitch was just after your SIM?
View all comments by thongsuk
I did, but no international calls were made from it post theft. Or was your use of ‘SIM’ a clever gag I didn’t get?
View all comments by Combover
Probably not, co.
View all comments by thongsuk