I recently returned to Bangkok. After spending way too much money having nowhere near enough fun in a cold and windswept corner of Northern England, I was the guy clad in arctic thermals, kissing the tarmac after landing at The Amazing Sinking Airport.
After dossing it in cattle class with the usual class of visitors to Bangkok (backpackers and paedophiles) for ninety-seven hours with no sleep, I was ready to splash out. So to speak.
First stop, a quick breakfast with a pal at Bus Stop on Sukhumvit Soi 4. The service was the rudest I have ever experienced in my life, topped off nicely by a huff of indignation and a verbal torrent of complaints from the waitress when I went to settle the ฿190 bill with two ฿100 notes. I stood there, giggling at just how rude she was being, trying to remember all the suggestions I received in comments after we discussed the matter recently.
And then I did something you won’t appreciate at all. I realised that I had just experienced the worst service in my life. It had been so bad that it was actually making me laugh. That’s not the kind of thing that happens every day. So I tipped the grumpy cow an extra ฿20 for the entertainment.
From there to Lolita’s, where I lasted mere seconds before almost leaving an exit wound on the back of the poor girl’s head with a jet-powered gush of happy unguent. Which was nice.
At this point, I should probably have gone home. I’d hardly slept in three days. But I’d missed Bangkok, and here it was. So I figured I’d have a quick drink in Big Dogs. Followed by another one. I got chatting to a delightful daughter of Issan whose English was endearingly bad. “Thank you very big!”, she said when I bought her a beer.
Into Nana Plaza proper for one absolutely last beer, and things got a little hazy after that. I ended up boozing in the Plaza for five hours. I returned to Lolita’s, only to find that the entertainment provider who’d done such a good job earlier on wasn’t there. I walked on, and vaguely remember falling asleep several times during an awesome foot massage on Soi 8. I figured it was time to go home.
But then, walking The Miracle Mile - ostensibly to grab a cab - I was accosted by a pair of delightfully dishevelled girls who apparently wanted to “go with” me. So touching.
Despite being somewhat tired and emotional, I sat down to negotiate.
They were offering a threesome for ฿600 each, but wouldn’t be getting into each other, as they were Real Sisters, Honest Guv, Jing Jing. Damn. Oh, and if I wanted to put it up the wrong ‘un, the price would be ฿1,000 each.
I declined. See, if the girls aren’t genuinely into each other, it’s not really a threesome. It’s just two short-times in rapid succession. If a threesome’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly. Instead, I took the prettier of the two, and went for the ฿1,000 no-holes-barred experience.
Now, some folks will warn you of the perils of freelancers. Especially street walkers. Personally, I’ve been around the block a few times, and haven’t (yet) had any trouble. But I’ve been vigilant. Don’t leave cash lying around. Take your wallet, along with your trousers, into the shower with you (no, don’t get them wet, just hang them on the back of the door, dum-dum).
One thing you absolutely should not do, under any circumstances, is take one to a sleazy short-time hotel, and fall asleep after soundly violating her in every available orifice. By rights, I should have woken up with no cellphone, no money and no clothes. Instead, I woke up to a pretty awesome blowjob. It’s good to be back.
a nice welcome back to bkk.do it again the next night badboy
View all comments by geoff davies
I went to the BUS STOP one since the remodel. Enuff said.
I do agree that Lolitas is a always a good experience. (well, almost always-One time the girl started chewing like is was a chuunk of beef jerky) Ouch!
View all comments by Khun J
Damn it I'm still like another 2 weeks or so away from a return to BKK and I seriously can't wait to get my ass back there. Singapore sucks.
Seem like u've got lucky with the freelancers, I've experienced a pretty bad situation where I left my barely stable to stand straight friend alone on a street while I went to grab some snacks and before I knew it he was being harassed by 2 girls who seem more interested in his pockets than helping him to stand properly.
View all comments by mango
I couldnt agree more about Lolitas, I went there after reading all about it here and I was the only 1 there and the girl that came and chatted to me was friendly and chatty but not what i had in mind so after telling her in a nice way that i would like to look around she offered to choose for me,,, Wow,,, good choice by far the best blow job ive had in a long time,, now if only i could remember her name,, sorry guys…
I might just have to go back and keep trying till i get her again lol
View all comments by Adzadel
That's picture of you coming down the steps - you look ridiculous! Where did you get that suit?
View all comments by Pants Elk
Uh … "That" - not that's it matters …
View all comments by Pants Elk
Another dull day in bangkok, how I miss Hull.
View all comments by Prickly heat powder
a welcome back BBB - stuff was falling apart while you were away - I had to make do with the nodding head of a cleaner at the Kangroo Club - but afterwards I successfully located the Star of Light - so I won't be making that mistake again - however getting cleaned off with Tesco/Lotus Bathroom Gel is suprisingly invigorating
View all comments by doctorbond
Speaking of S/T Hotels, went into the one at the Country Road end of Soi Cowboy. Whilst I was pretty buzzed and getting a blow job, I paid no attention to some extra noises. When I finished the deed, my jeans were on the floor, and not on the dresser, with my wallet laying on top of my jeans. Missing was $25 and about 2K in Baht. After ransacking the place and the girls purse and treating her with the gruffness deserved I couldn't find my cash, finally gained my composure and figured best I get out before I do something that would land me in jail. As I walked out the staff waied deeply. The next day with a clearer mind I pieced it togother and surmise that the girl down stairs that works as a clerk had crawled into the room and rifled my wallet and relieved me of some but not all of my cash. Anyway it was a pretty nervie move on their part and the girl was in on it the way I figure. You guys be carefull just don't want the same crappy thing happen to others that happened to me.
Johnboy
View all comments by John Boy
Thanks all. It's good to be back.
@John Boy: Wow. Never heard that one before! What a nerve…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@John Boy: amazing. I have been to that short time hotel dozens of times with no problems. Terrible story.
View all comments by werewolf
@John Boy, back here in lovely Europe the African working girls pull that stunt regulary, sometimes the accomplice is hiding under the bed. Anyway I never experienced that in Thailand. Bad luck.
View all comments by hanuman
Here's a handy cut out n' keep guide to keeping your wallet while losing your wad:
1 Don't get bladdered before you decide to enter into the sex-worker's domain.
2 Budget that blow-job! Don't leave your crib with more cash than you'll reasonably need for an evening's sleazery. And leave your cards at home.
3 In a short-time hotel or a rub-down emporium , leave your wallet/money clip where you can reach it (and see it, if you look). This is surprisingly difficult to remember, mainly because you forgot Rule 1. Keep your cash at the head of the bed.
4 If entertaining a sex-worker in the intimate setting of your hotel suite, make sure you're not singing in the shower while she's happily going through your stuff. Use your room safe (if you're posh enough to have one) and don't feel coy about locking your cash in it in front of her. If you don't have a room safe, you might just as well give her everything you own, because she knows all the hiding places. Or just not shower alone.
5 Whilst enjoying a nocturnal stroll along one of Bangkok's many busy thoroughfares, avoid being backed into a dark corner by big-boned, deep-voiced ladies with breasts like zeppelins, no matter how attractive the proposition sounds.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Help me out, someone!!!!! I've got to go to Silom on Saturday, and I thought I might take a look into Patpong, something I haven't done in years. BBB, I know you put a map of the bars on here somewhere, but I'm damned if I can find it!! Can Anyone tell me where it-the map-is? Thanks.
View all comments by chicagobob
@chicagobob: Why, on the Patpong page, of course… Map is a mess, as I haven't fixed it since the redesign. Still works though. Enjoy…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Nice post. I had to look up "unguent."
View all comments by gavinmac
anyone else noticed the trend of girls willing to take it up the grinner?
View all comments by MSB
I have one question for you guys….
I think this program is not very recent, but nevertheless have you heard anything about this or even similar in Bangkok…?
I am from Portugal and yesterday on a Portuguese TV Channel there was this program called "Sin Cities" and it was about Bangkok.
In this program, they showed a restaurant where you go to have dinner and you have two girls giving you the food to your mouth and another girl giving you a blowjob! And they even said it would cost 10 USD!!!
Have you guys heard anything about this…?
View all comments by Copycat
Copycat
That’ll be the No Hands Restaurant which is not too far from Pat Pong in the direction of the railway station. Any cab driver will know it. It’ll cost more than ten bucks these days but everything else you mention is on the menu.
View all comments by Union Hill
Sorry to get off-topic, but this is an important "heads up" for Combover - hey! your car's on fire!
View all comments by Pants Elk
car or cat?
View all comments by MSB
What the? I've been reading lots about Bangkok and been there before, but how come I never heard of this blowjob restaurant No Hands before?
Bangkokbadboy, please cover this. Thanks.
View all comments by Ps
@Ps: I thought I'd already mentioned it, but I guess not. I have a friend visiting next week, so I'll try to take him there for dinner…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
No Hand Restaurant - its been around for the last twenty five year, been a few times when I was taken there some years ago it was still going stronge, it has I think eight levels, on each level as you went up the girls would have less to wear and where more sexy and younger, what level do you think we went to, no hand means you do not need them for eating, you use them for other things. You can have take aways also. Do not ask me the cost I had it free. This last year we went back and found that they were converting it, not sure to what, so it was not so good, they cater to the corporate side, its not for singles! Great for four or five people, like I said I think it’s now changed. To late B3!
View all comments by knight
@knight: That's a shame. I might wander over there anyway and see what's become of it. Anyone know?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Location, information and website URL
19 Rama IV Rd., Siphaya , Bangrak , Bangkok , Thailand. 10500 Tel. 02 - 2355000-9 Heaven on Earth
We fulfill your desires and fantasy with the most beautiful hostesses of extraordinary charm and grace , hand-feed you sumptuous morsels that you have chosen from out delicious offerings. Seated on the floor beside you , a whisper away , she brings food to your mouth , drinks to your lips and eyes locked to yours , looking for a nod until the last morsel of food disappears.
Only in Thailand
Unique "No Hand" dining.
It's called No Hand Restaurant because when you dine in this restsurant , you don't use your hands to eat. Instead , beautiful ladies will feed you. All you do is sit and relax while the ladies hand-feed you , and pander to your whims.Not only the ladies but also the food is great.
No hand is one of the many F&B outlets in the Galaxy Entertainment Complex , Rama IV Road.
Private rooms & Hostesses
62 Private rooms
150 Hostesses Special Promotion For This Month.
Order dishes from a menu minimum 1,000.- Baht.
Discount Remy Martin from 1,700.- Baht to 1,400.- Baht.
For Reservation & More Details
Please contact No Hand Restaurant
Tel. 02 - 2355000 - 9 http://www.nohand.freeservers.com/
View all comments by werewolf
And here's a review by a dissatisfied customer:
http://www.singletravel.com/bkknight/nohands.htm
I'm not sure how recent it is
View all comments by werewolf
And here's one next to JW Marriott near Nana. Date on the special promotion is 2004 so I don't know if the place is still operating. If you visit the website, be warned that the download is dead slow.
http://sawatdee.free.fr/privilege/ Introducing a new level of dining experience, the Privilege No Hand Restaurant welcomes you to a feast for the senses – private dining in an intimate atmosphere, for individuals or groups, attended by our smiling hostesses.Each dining chamber is equipped with its own climate control, sound and lighting system, and padded seating area. With support provided by a smiling bar service staff, our lovely hostesses will pamper and entertain you – you needn’t even lift a hand!We open at 12:30 pm, and close at 2:00 am. We accept arriving guests only until 12:30 am.
We look forward to hosting your visit soon! We have 3 high quality sets menus. Coffee or tea, one bottle of mineral water Minere 50 cl are included.
Set Menus are priced 1,500 Bahts V.A.T. Privilege No Hand Restaurant is located on Sukhumvit Road, between Sukhumvit Soi 2 and Soi 4, next door to the J.W. Marriott Hotel. We are located directly above the Blue Wave pool bar, with our entrance just to the right of the Blue Wave entrance, as you face the building. Convenient underground parking is available at nearby Ploenchit Center.
Privilege No Hand Restuarant
8 Sukhumvit Soi 2, Klongtoey
Bangkok 10110
Thailand March, 1st, 2004(**Note the date of their promotion!)
15%OFF on your next bill to get a better entertainment !
A limited offer is now available only on Privilegenohandrestaurant.com!
Just click on our limited offer, the picture on the left to get your printable coupon version!
With this offer you can get 15% OFF on your next bill at Privilege No Hand Restaurant..
Attention! This offer is limited and could not be available in the next few months.
Don't forget to give your printed coupon to the restaurant to get your 15% OFF on your next bill.
Offer valid only at Privilege No Hand Restaurant !
View all comments by werewolf
Hey BBB, with all this information or mis-information (??) we cannot be certain… Only an actual visit would clear this out… :)
View all comments by Copycat
Yup, time for the man to get to the bottom of this.
View all comments by Ps
I am, of course, on the case.
Patience…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Incidentally, that "dissatisfied customer" link was published in 1998!
Not holding my breath…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
The place that WW mentions near the JW Marriot didn’t last long in that format. It is now The Champagne Lounge (or something like that). It’s right next door to Bully’s between Sois 2 & 4. It’s more of an upmarket hostess bar now.
UH
View all comments by Union Hill
@Union Hill: It's called the Champagne Room, very up-scale! Scotch on the rocks 380 Baht! But it's very classy inside, quiet, with a lot of love seat areas, that can be secluded by curtains. They have hostesses in evening/cocktail dresses, am sure the lady drinks are up there in price, with a highball cocktail being close to 400 baht, didn't dare call one over or check on "take out" costs.
John Boy
View all comments by John Boy
makes me laugh these 'high end' waitress and japanese bars
dressing hags in a 200baht cough cough…… ballgowns that prob cost 200baht from the JJ market, gives them a licence to charge 400baht a drinkmutton dressed and priced as lamb
View all comments by Penfold
I think that's a little harsh, myspace.com/penfold_xxx, they're only doing their job, catering to their demographic, paying the overheads etc etc. You can take this argument to its logical extreme and say that you should never pay more than 20 baht for a meal because that's what the ingredients cost. Good luck with that one, especially in France.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Thats based on the experience i've had in these places.
Im not a cheapskate and have no qualms paying 400baht a drink if the surrounding and girls are exceptional, but 99% of the places i visited this is truly not the case
Putting lemoanade in a MOET bottle doesnt make it champagne
View all comments by Penfold
I do agree about the logical extreme point about food though, but these places represent poor VFM in the extreme
Not a big fan on france and id never go back
too many french for my tastes
View all comments by Penfold
Too many French? Try living in France - they're all over the place.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Far too many french
id rather sell my soul to the devil then live in france
plus you cant get a pad thai for love nor money
View all comments by Penfold
Mmmmm - with Andrex making daily deliveries to my hotel I must say that I would give love and money for some french food right now
View all comments by doctorbond
Only just noticed that the sick buffalo has made a full recovery - where will you direct you Baht now?
View all comments by doctorbond
I was going to take a pal to the No Hands on Rama 4 last week, but we didn't quite get round to it. Any volunteers?
@penfold: What's wrong with the French? (braces self)
@doctorbond: I'm going to invest it in the Sukhumvit Cycling Club.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I've seen quite a few enthusiastic members of the Sukhumvit Cycling Club peddling along the Golden Mile …
View all comments by Pants Elk
@BBB theres absolutely nothing wrong with the french (awkward silence)
all ill say is id rather lick the toilet floor clean in the start of light then shake hands with a frenchman
View all comments by Penfold
I'm prepared to bet, myspace dot com forward slash penfold underline xxx , that a Frenchman would rather have you lick the toilet floor clean than shake his hand, too. Are you sure you've got this right?
(And can't you come up with a less unwieldy soubriquet, while you're down there?)
View all comments by Pants Elk
As a man who is part French (admittedly only about one hundredth) I wish to register my protest at this decidedly uncordial tent.
View all comments by doctorbond
Hah! Tent cordials always tasted of canvas to me.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Do any of you guys know more about that Champagne Room…?
by the descprition, they might well be "high-level" ones…
Does anyone know how much does it cost to get real action with one of those girls…?
one's gotta try all levels… we cannot eat grashoppers everyday, there are days we should eat lobster… :)))
View all comments by Copycat
@copycat: I am no expert on the Champagne Room… I walked in once about a year ago. They had a dozen-plus aging bar girls dressed up in cocktail dresses, and very nice decor. The drink prices were about 2 1/2 times what I pay in most other bars. The girls didn't look to me to be 'high-level', just dressed up. I certainly saw plenty of tatoos sticking out from under those cocktail dresses, and I reckon they were all on the wrong side of 28 years old. I had a drink, chatted with two of the hostesses for a few minutes and left, never to return. Maybe someone who is a regular there can provide a more positive view of the place.
View all comments by werewolf
I'd heard much the same about Champagne Room, which is why I've yet to visit.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
There are no regulars at the Champagne room. It is a tourist trap, positioned near Nana and the lower Sukhumvit farang ghetto of Bangkok to appeal to newbies who want a change of scene and don't know any better. If Nana, Cowboy, Patpong and Soi 7 Beer garden/Thermae scene is getting old or too sleazy for you (or you just want a change)…..try Soi 33 bars such as Livingstones, Office Bar, Lookie Lookie…..mixed set of girls (some old, some young, some hot, some not) but scrub-up better, act (a little) more classy and usually speak English reasonably well. Not lobster, but not grasshopper either.
Or there is always the freelance scene…..CM2, Qbar, Hard Rock…..and after-hours at Spice, Spicy, Tunnel….
You'll struggle to find P4P lobster in BKK….but tastes vary. I've had friends introduce their conquests to me that they have been raving about that I would not go near, and they probably feel the same about my latest! After living in BKK for while, I can spend hours in Cowboy/Nana/Patpong and maybe see only 2-3 girls I'd be interested in. A few years back, as an occasional visitor to Thailand, I'd be going gaga over practically every girl in every go-go.
View all comments by Mochalover
@Mochalover: I feel a post coming on. Thanks.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Yeah, i was once dragged into the Champagne Room as well - werewolf and mochalover echo my sentiments, although I was fortunate enough to meet one absolutely stunning 21 year old who spoke perfect, unaccented English. I gave her the card of a friend who in turn got her a few modelling gigs since - I feel it was my good deed of the year.
View all comments by go go groupie