An English pub, yesterday.
My recent visit to England (an England which has apparently seen fit to replace common sense with a mountain of legislation) has had me thinking about not only the rules of law, but the unwritten rules of society itself - both back in the UK and out in Thailand.
I’ve mentioned before that after spending a while in Bangkok, incredible as it may seem, the endless whoring can get a little dull. There are a number of ways to deal with this, from branching out into the regular club/bar scene, exploring internet dating, self-imposed rationing, all the way through to losing it and deciding to become a monk. Whatever works for you.
Personally, I’m quite happy just twisting things around a little. The bars have looked after me pretty well, even inspiring the creation of this little website. So I’m quite happy to continue looking after the bars, even if nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. I just add a little spice here and there. Break a few little rules - confuse a few little ladies…
The Other Short-Time Room
After reading about penfold_xxx’s tales of lavatorial ribaldry in Cascade bar, it occurred to me that the sneaky old-fashioned blow-job-in-the-toilet story is one I’d heard all too often, but never actually experienced for myself.
So I set out to the bars, not to take home a pouting superstar for the night, but to see if anyone was willing to suck me off in the toilet. Katoeys (ladyboys) aren’t my thing, and obviously the “speciality” BJ bars were out of the question, so I hit Soi Cowboy. Now, there are some dire bars here. Cocktail Club and Joy Ngwen are two of the worst gogo bars in Bangkok, let alone Cowboy.
I was the only customer in both bars. Possibly the first all night - who knows? I chatted to a few of the girls, telling them that I was horny but didn’t want to pay bar, and suggested we hook up in the bathroom. Surprisingly, they were either completely disinterested, or simply explained that it was against the rules, and that they’d get into too much trouble if they got caught: “mamasan make big problem”.
I had figured that the quieter bars would be a better place to hunt, and that the busier bars would be full of girls who’d know thy had a decent chance of being barfined anyway. So I decided to call it a day, and wandered into the Moonshine Joint.
Historically, you could get blown in here. Then it was just hand jobs. Recently, it’s not even been that. I wandered in, flanked by a chubby and ageing mamasan. “Drink”, she demanded with a scowl. “Good luck with that”, I countered.
A few moments later, her even chubbier counterpart lumbered over, and began massaging my neck and shoulders. Now I’m a sucker for a decent massage, so bought the titanic trollop a cola. This had the effect of inspiring her to vigourously rub my custard-cannon through my trousers, whilst sticking her tongue in my ear. And they say romance is dead.
Okay, she must have weighed at least four metric tonnes, but her knockers were bigger than my head. That’s got to count for something, right? And if she is the mamasan, then the old “mamasan make big problem” excuse surely won’t wash. And so it was that I found myself propositioning this portly, porcine plumper, suggesting she nosh me off in the gents. She refused.
Defeated, I wandered off to one of The Arab’s bars (ie. Spice Girls, Our Place, Midnite, Deja Vu) for a beer and a look at some more reasonably-shaped women. Where, much to my surprise, a friendly waitress took me to the gents and sucked me off. Result.
The Wrong One
Vaguely related, I was in Nana Plaza’s currently-superb Mandarin bar recently with a couple of friends. Myself and one pal were picking our favourites from the line-up on stage. My other pal was barfining a plain-looking waitress. Apparently the less glamorous girls try harder in bed, and are likely to have a little more energy due to not spending every night alternately dancing and shagging. I still prefer the pretty ones.
But, for some at least, choosing what seems like the wrong option can sometimes pay off. Down in Mandarin Table Dance, I was perusing the beer drinks menu when I realise that they sold coffee. If you ever wondered how to get the attention of everyone in a gogo bar, drinking hot coffee seems to be a good bet. Go figure.
Equal Opportunities
I have been accused of hating farang women. This isn’t true. I have also been accused of being incapable of getting a woman in my own country. This also isn’t true.
I went back to a farang girl’s place here in the UK last week. She wasn’t particularly fat, and the subject of feminism didn’t come up. Stuff happened. Lying in her bed afterwards, I found myself thinking that I would rather have paid for a little brown professional. Make of that what you will…
about fucking time you posted my man
although im chuffed i got a mention, im also dissapointed you didnt head into cascades - whats wrong with you man, are you gay (hhmmm maybe i should rethink that)
your not a bona-fide bangkok whoremonger until you find yourself in a katoey toilet at 1am, stinking of chang and getting sucked off by 2 cock-in-frocks, gulping away like they havent had so much as a somtam in weeks
a poor show i must say
View all comments by Penfold
The little brown professionals are always the best option because you can say goodbye and get on with your life as you please. Its the ease at which we can say "goodbye" that counts. I'm not sure if I hate Western women - but I don't like them very much.
View all comments by TJ
Is mandarin really that good? Went there last month and there wasn't much going on. Maybe I went on a bad day, it was a Sunday.
View all comments by mango
@penfold: Sorry dude, but the venuses-with-penises just don't do it for me.
@TJ: Amen.
@mango: Mandarin has come along in leaps and bounds recently. It's not quite as consistent as the Rainbow bars, but catch it on a good night and it's (in my opinion) the best gogo in Nana Plaza. Basically it's a carbon copy of Soi Cowboy's Baccara, but less busy. Which can't be a bad thing.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Idly wondering… how did you communicate your lavatori-fellatial desire? bpai horng naam sucky-sucky?
View all comments by NotAnyBangkokRelatedWebsite.com
@Not: Heh, I speak to the bargirls in a mixture of English, Thai, Issan, and am struggling to learn a little Khmer for the benefit of the Surin/Buriram brigade. I personally like "gin haam" (Thai: "eat dick"), "sep ilee" (Issan: "Delicious!").
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@ myspace.com/penfold_xxx "your not a bona-fide bangkok whoremonger until you find . . . . . . . . . " huh? really?
When you can't get really yourself out of a mess I guess you have to try to pull as many people as you can into it with you.
I'll remain happily in the ranks of the benighted and un-evolved majority. . . . . but then I've never been a very hip, trendy or with "it kind" of fellow
* sigh*
View all comments by Prufrock
not sure i quite understand the whole 'really yourself out of a mess line'
maybe your trying to be too clever, or your pissed i cant guess which one………
maybe my obsession with hairwax, tight fitting 80's tshirts and man-bags have pushed me over the edge on the AC/DC scale - i tell my mom all the sick shit i get up2 and she thinks her special boy is a bummer - she must be so proud
View all comments by Penfold
@penfold Heh, heh. Naaaaw You got it.
And yeah, it should have been ". . . really get yourself . . ." or better ". . . really extract yourself . . . " But you knew that. ;-)
Regarding katoeys and lady-boeys. That's your choeys
Each to his own.
"trying to be too clever" - I'll just *sigh & pass*
Relax. After I read your first remark, I just decided that a wave the tolerance flag for the other side was in order.
Regards to yer mom though. She may have something there.
@ BBB Bars were a bit silly-dreary last night.
Like it was phoned in. But still relaxing; plenty of "acceptables" on hand.
R#4 - a little "out of stock" Chula Day on Tuesday and lots have skipped town already.
Mango running by itself
Mandarin - At least three open bottans in the loom. Those little rascals can drink. The frolics continue.
Great band at Spice Club. Lots of new-gal freelance action. Shy, clumsy (as whores not as Thai women - kind of charming) office girls looking to get picked up. Fun.
Miracle mile-quiet however, that never-say-die "Nemo" phenomenon has evolved from the fuzzy hat stage into a mechanical fish with LED-lit bladder bags and entrails. . . . right there beside the mechanical buffaloes (now chewing wads of grass)
I feel a craving for first adapter status coming on.
View all comments by Prufrock
@BBB - bit more practise with the Thai and Issan there mate…
gin haam actually means eat balls, and sep ilee means tasty sister (ilee) being name for sister in Issan… keep at it though you'll get there one of these years …
View all comments by psi100
Mandarin is more friendly and far less over-customered than Baccara IMHO.
View all comments by Combover
@psi100: Oh well, that's what I was told. Seems to be understood, at least. Maybe I'm spelling it wrong…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Perhaps its a tonal thing. . . . . or a regionalism thing.
I'm certainly no expert.
Those accents change from tambon to tambon up there
Just like in the UK or anywhere else.
One tambon one accent
But doesn't hum heeow mean limp dick ? Khai (eggs) are balls and doesn't ilee ? mean " really"?
Clarification?
View all comments by Prufrock
Thinking about it, I've definitely had an Issan girl grab hold of my dick and exclaim "haam yai" (I hope we can all agree that "yai", or something like it, is the Thai word for "big"). Or "hum yai", "ham yai", or however we're spelling it. Long vowel, rising tone. Seems odd that's she'd be remarking on the size of my balls whilst shaking me by the knob…
I was definitely taught that "ilee" means "really" in (most of the) Laos branches of Issan. Like Prufrock says, I guess it depends where you're from…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
psi100 definitely has a point. haam noi as I was once told is a endearing method of calling an isaan kid 'little balls'. I could be way off base though.
It always gets a chuckle though…in the right crowd of course.
View all comments by The Heckler
Well, after a swift straw poll of Issan girls, I can reveal that:
1. "Ilee" does indeed mean "really", in Issan. The Issan term for "sister" is, of course "ee la". Advantage BBB.
2. Opinion is strongly divided on what "haam" actually means. Some swear blind it means "ball". Others that it means "dick". I guess it is a regional thing after all.
Here endeth the lesson.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@BBB, Compared to a thai man we whities all have ham yai
View all comments by hanuman
saying that, THE BIGGEST cock i have ever seen belonged to a ladyboy i got a shiner from in nana.
not that im a connaisseur, but ive played football across the world and have seen my fair share in the changing rooms, but my god this sister/brother was packing some serious meat
ham yai mak
View all comments by Penfold
@penfold: Does your Mom know about this
View all comments by Prufrock
@hanuman: Of course! Don't think that I was boasting that I have "a big one" - I'm not twelve! Just remembering context, to illustrate the language lesson.
There needs to be a "Swearing in Thai for Beginners" book. Because if you can speak like a common whore, you'll go far…
nb. This post may contain sarcasm.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Well, I cetainly am boasting that I have a big one. Granted, at my age, it sometimes takes a horse pill to get on its feet. I do have a prob- no - hang on - this isn't the Radio Four Men's Room blog? Sorry. My bad.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Careful with those dick pills…
American tourist dies apparently of generic Viagra overdose
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Great story! And what a way to go! he was actually fucking a LBFM when he breathed his last! Respect!
When I get suicidal in Bangkok again, I know exactly what to do.
Suggested quote for the brave girl in question: "When I said I'd go long time, I didn't mean for the rest of his life."
Or: "I like a good stiff fuck, but this is ridiculous."
View all comments by Pants Elk
my old girl does know yeah
oh how proud she is at the way her firstborn son has turned out
told her it looked like ron jeremys shlong on steroids
View all comments by Penfold
Hah!
The "Gora-Sahib" of yore,
Once conquered the Himalayas and wrote the eastern lore,
Now falls between the thighs of a Thai whore…
And keeps coming back for some more, some more….
Tired of his ox-like hussy,
He craves for some young Eastern pussy
wishing he was twentyone again,
and never needed another Viagara in vain…
'Cos nothing gets him harder
than an old memory of that high-school bain
that still lives on in his beer-sozzled brain
God! Pulleaze make me young again….?
So he quits Queen and Country
and lives in Soi 21 in ignominy
Hoping
Hoping
that he is 21 again….
Grin!
View all comments by Sunny
…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Did I take your breath away 3B?
View all comments by Sunny
@ Sunny
That's rather funny,
" than an old memory of that high-school bain"
What is "bain"?
tx
View all comments by Sam
"Bane," maybe? "drain?"
Coulda used "stain."
(He was into high schools & couplets, wasn't he?)
Why are they all so into couplets, these guys?
Oh maybe he was rapping,
Yeah, that's it.
Meter-less rapping.
View all comments by Prufrock
Right!
That sets the ball(s) rolling…
Just when I thot everyone had slipped in a gob-stopper or two…(heh heh)
BTW (bān; as F., băN)n. 1. A bath; a bagnio.
Make of that what you will
Grin
Sunny
View all comments by Sunny
An alternative from the Urban dictionary:
bain :
to punch someone in the face or beat them like a red headed step child
"shut it or ill bain you"
Egads!
View all comments by Sunny
i agree with you about the spice club, now that place has wall to wall glam brown bike racks, was there on the 21.,oct my self with a lovely minx if she was so lovable i could of got into trouble, hang on i did get into some trouble, a h fuck it great place
View all comments by eloelo
@Sunny, see what you have inspired….. (clearing of throat as he primes himself)…
—————–
Hardwired with desire, body taut with expectation
Night and day he strides the Miracle Mile, his usual destination
On first name terms (only) with many ladies of negotiable affection
Saving the water buffalo from certain extermination. ——————————
View all comments by Sam
@ Sam >
A Gentleman of impeccable taste,
would first bugger the buffalo
and then eat the steak
Grin!
View all comments by Sunny