The FARANG Speaks 2 Much (tfs2m)

Strange things are afoot these days but we press on. pmmp was last seen running down Petchburi road while being chased by some girls from Lucky club. No drama. He is a big boy. This first episode of the Not Weekly Weekly will be brought to you from Buriram. I am Johnny Bangkok and with me is Miss Khlong Toei to help out while we cruise Isaan as she utters an opinion on virtually everything. We left Bangkok on Monday on our bicycles. The idea to cruise to the countryside while taking it all in and remembering Thailand for when it use to be perfect, cheap and full of fun-loving Farang. Back when the barfines made breakfast for you after the morning hummer and before they cleaned your apartment. I never owned an iron so they never bothered to press my shirts for School.

There is a reason we are in Buriram by the way. The first Starbuck’s in Isaan is having a grand opening ceremony and I wanted to do the first post using their WIFI while sipping the seasonal Water Buffalo Milk MochaChocaChino. On top of being the first Starbuck’s in Isaan this will also be the first Starbuck’s in Thailand to implement the free WIFI for all Apple iPhones and touch screen iPods in order to browse the iTunes store. I may buy the new Brittany Spears single just to test it all out.

We made it as far as Bang Na before we gave up on the bicycles and decided to get on a bus. Miss KT kept bitching all the time that her malnourished ass was too damn skinny to do a bike ride but I figured with enough m-150 and sticky rice we could do it. Screw it.

I used to take the train to Buriram to visit my girlfriend. The overnight trains were such a blast. Cheap and easy. You could stock up on Leo beer and before you got out of Bangkok be pissed and ready to test out the sleeper beds with the random bargirls who happened to be on the train going home to finish the rice harvest. Back then they actually went home to tam na - make rice. Now they go home to co-sign for a new motorcycle for their Thai boyfriend while Gunther in Munich gets another Western Union ready. Either way - Rail Time as we called it was generally 500 baht and the girls always had their own condoms. Johnny Bangkok rocked the rails. Yeah baby!

Buriram is freaking hotter than a pistol and their is no equivalent to the Suk Soi 7 beergarden so I am not sure how to spend the days. Miss KT is home with the family and I was planning on getting a few rounds in with the lovely lasses that are in the Rainbow Go-Go Academy. I was told this is where they give them that Hello Kitty look that allows them to domineer the 444 customers down in Nana Plaza and teaches them how to dance the 2 step shuffle to - “Here I go again on my own”. Anyone can dance to the new wave pop stuff but show me a girl who can master the pole while Whitesnake is playing and I will show you my barfine money. Right there. Check it out. It’s not monopoly money! Give me number 42 please! The plan is to visit the academy tomorrow and assist in anyway I can to ensure these girls perform to their finest back in NEP. Can u say pony rides? Come to daddy.

Well. I am writing this post from one of the small internet cafes that doubles as a gaming room, foot massage center and motorcycle customization shop. We never found the Starbuck’s and Miss KT does not want to go out. The trip is a bust. Hoping to go to the discos tonight and see if Miss KT and I can find a third wheel to help us master our bedroom pilates. Yeah baby. Don’t do pilates alone.

Okay on to the bar updates - thanks to all the homeys who wrote in with the tidbits. Special shout out to Forrest Gump, Obi Wan, Cheap Charlie Oats, and the other ones who I can’t name. U know we love you.

Pattaya Update:

Walking street is rammed. There are so many people walking on walking street that it is hard to see the bars. With AOT’s new Pattaya shuttle policy the rumor is that Pattaya will overtake Bangkok any day now. For any overseas visitor landing at SUVARNABHUMI just look for the free Pattaya shuttle desk located directly after immigration. Khun KittyPorn, the one in the Teletubbies outfit, will sort you out. This new service promises to increase the tourist levels in Pattaya and potentially put Bangkok out of the Naughty Nightlife Business.

Club Boesche is having a rubber ducky party. You bring your rubber duckies for the girls in the Tub and you get 10 baht off Mehkong cokes.

Polo is having a dance contest with their new recruits from Kazakhstan. Come dressed as Borat for a free bar fine. Also if the mamsan thinks you are moodier than the girls dancing in the glass case then you get a free drink.

Rumor is Billy, manager of The Super Star bar is moving to New Living Dolls as the head choreographer but is still having a salary disagreement with the owner of Dollhouse over his back pay tied to barfines and it is preventing him from taking over before the high season starts. Jimmy, Don’s friend, who used to work with Billy back when they co-owned the now defunct “This is your bar”, may kick Billy’s ass if Billy finds any source of employment in Pattaya. Duff, Jimmy’s friend, has no comment.

Bangkok Update:

Meanwhile back in Nana. Due to the announcement of the new shuttle service to Pattaya the owners of all the Nana Plaza bars have decided, during their monthly closed door meetings at the Rajah Hotel, that they will implement new bar fine rules to be followed by all bars.

1. All barfines will be refundable if services rendered are not satisfactory
2. All barfines are 600 baht before midnight and drop to 500 baht after midnight
3. Breakfast is now included with all long times.

Best Go-Go of the month is Voodoo! Let’s here it for my boy David! Wednesday night at Voodoo will be meet the owner and his dogs night. All customers who bring milk biscuits will get a free menthol based cold towel. Johnny Bangkok suggests saving those moist towels to wipe out those klingons before hitting Lolitas. On Thursday nights all the service staff will trade places with the go-go girls to mix things up so to speak. All you boys into barfining the service staff better check it out.

While we are on the subject of Lolitas we must announce their new School Teacher Special. Each week they will put on their website which school teachers can visit Lolitas any day of the week from opening time until 3 PM to get the 500 baht special. Yes folks - a savings of 200 baht. Rumor is the first week that it will be Wall Street Institute. You must wear your teacher’s uniform and show your employee ID.

The Big Mango Bar recently got a Popcorn machine. I love Popcorn and what better place to eat it then in Nana Plaza watching the girls come to work. They have also started a new promotion night. Every Wednesday they will be hanging an “Out of Order” sign on the unisex bathroom toilet door. Female employees and customers will be forced to use the Urinals. Hot piping fresh popcorn and watching the ladies pull up their Beerlao Wednesday promotion gear to wet the urinals, what better fun. Reminds me of when I had my first piece of Oh My Cod.

The Cathouse is announcing their new drink specials. From 1pm to 2pm on Tuesdays Chang Light will be all you can drink for 100 baht. If it is raining they will extend the Chang Light special from 1pm to 7pm for 400 baht. If you bring your own beer condoms you are eligible to win a gift certificate that will allow you to drink Chang Light from 1pm to 4pm for 200 baht on any given day providing it is not Tuesday. Finger sandwiches will be served after closing time on Thursdays.

Soi 7 beergarden will be starting their new “bring you own” promo. In order to deal with the sudden decline in day time freelancers who have left for Pattaya, they have instituted a new promotion. All those who bring their own girls with them will be offered a free hotdog and canned cola. Coke Zero is not included in the promo. After I get back to Bangkok I may convince Miss KT that I am taking her to lunch at Soi 7. Okay honey. You sit over there while daddy gets a free weiner and surveys the scene. It’s my job baby. Deal.

Cowboy Update:

It was bound to happen and who else better to do it then PP and wonderboy. The Apache coyote transformation is not going too well and the team has decided to make Apache not only the first ladyboy bar on cowboy but the first ladyboy coyote bar. Rumor is on Friday nights there may be a contest - “Is hers bigger than yours” for free barfines. I say get in there - those table mirrors could be as bad as the mirrors on my car. Objects in the mirror might be bigger than they really are…

Baccarat will be handing out free neck pillows, like those ones people buy for long plane trips, on Thursday nights to all punters who order 10 drinks or more. Ladydrinks are not included.

Rumor is all elephants will be banned from cowboy. Keep your Farang girlfriend’s close boys.

BTW - if you have any questions for Miss KT just leave them in the comments. We will get to those next time I can sober her up and out from in front of the TV.

Gotta sign off now. I can’t spend any more money at the internet cafe otherwise I won’t have enough to get me and Miss KT on the train back to Bangkok. Would not want to miss any more Angelwitch shows than I already have.

From Buriram - J Bangkok and Miss KT bringing you the best of the web. Yeah baby!