Hippy coiffure, yesterday
Dreadlocks. Henna tattoos. Banana pancakes. They spend three days eating street food and drinking fruit shakes with each other, tattered copy of Lonely Planet in hand, then declare that they’ve “done” Bangkok. If they didn’t look so ridiculous, I’d be petitioning for their extinction. As it is, I’m happy to regard them with amusement from afar.
But I woke up early one morning recently having experienced something of a revelation.
I’m not a bad writer. I’m no Hemingway, but I can string a sentence together, and occasionally manage to make it vaguely interesting - according to you lot, anyway.
I wondered how difficult would it be to get some freelance work accepted for Lonely Planet? Probably not too difficult at all.
The publishers probably wouldn’t be too interested in my encyclopaedic naughty nightlife knowledge, but a few pieces on local culture and customs, reviews of banana pancake vendors, and I’d soon have my feet under the table.
And then… subversion!
I’d start slowly, of course, as not to arouse suspicion. I could casually mention in the holy hippy handbook that tuk-tuks are by far the most economical way to see Bangkok, and that bargain gemstones can often be found on the way. Or that gogo bars have a strict dress code, not to mention a personal hygiene code. And that offenders will be shot.
And then, the crowning glory - I could solve Bangkok’s backpacker problem once and for all. All I would need to do is to think of an area of this great city that’s unpleasant, and totally remote. Somewhere miles away from any Skytrain or Underground stations. Somewhere even the khlong boats can’t take you to. Somewhere I’d never want to go. Somewhere, not to put too fine a point on it, miles out of our way.
All I’d have to do was mention that ludicrously cheap budget accommodation was available, and that the banana pancakes were particularly fine in this friendly district. And then the tree-hugging oxygen thieves would be out of my way forever. Or at least until the next edition.
I had almost got out of bed to find out where to send my first Lonely Planet submission, when I realised that somebody had beaten me to the punch by several years. So I went back to bed, and the cute young thing from Shark bar. Which was nice.
To whichever practical joker sent the hippies to the hugely inconvenient and inaccessible Khao San Road - thank you.
In particular , you can spot easily a U.C. Berkley or U.C. Santa Cruz graduate, especially the women. I refer to them as the California Taliban.
View all comments by KhunJ
Great post. These dreadlocked, Birkenstock wearing, i paid 200 baht for the tuk tuk riding, sorry excuses, make my "job" that much easier.
View all comments by bkk22
Another Loony Planet suggestion:
"Girls seen sporting a yellow t-shirt are proudly announcing the fact, little-known to tourists, that they have passed a recent Sexually Transmitted Disease test (including HIV), and are available for safe sex on demand."
View all comments by Pants Elk
Ahah for some reason I was having dinner with two guys from a internet forum yesterday.
They were checking every f* item on the menu and ordered the cheapest one. Then they pointed at a gentleman with an issan babe saying "he must pay her".
Feeling sick already i asked them : "are you into backpacking?" they started raving about koh something…
I left the table immediately grabbed the bottle of wine and drank it with the previously mentionned issan connoisseur.
Pretty good night all in all
View all comments by RRR
Klong boats do go to khao san, plenty of sexy girls there too, as well as some good bars with pricies that keep the skanky backpakers far away. Admittedly though BBB your beer belly won't be as well received there as it is on cowboy.
View all comments by Prickly heat powder
hey i like banana panckaes and fruit shakes! i also like filet mignon.
truly, the worst thing about these folks is their hygiene. they smell.
the second worst thing is their poor taste and general cluelessness, hence the need to rely on a book like lonley planet when there are great websites like this one!
View all comments by whoa
@bkk22: What’s your “job”?
@Prickly: Closest khlong stop is up near Democracy Monument as far as I can tell. Still quite a walk, or a motorbike/taxi ride away. There are sexy girls to be found pretty much everywhere, so I don’t see any reason to hit KSR on that front.
And I’ve already told you guys, it’s not a beer belly. It’s a tummy muscle.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
"Tummy muscle"?
It's a freaking six-pack, dude. But not in a good way.
View all comments by Pants Elk
yeah sure there are sexy girls everywhere and if your normally enjoy hanging out in the gogos i wouldn’t recommend it but I like a night out there every now and again. There’s a big thai scene which is hit and miss but in the farang bars you’ll find many ordinary thai girls who are there for one reason because they know that’s were they can get young/ attractive farang.
As for a taxi ride isn’t everywhere a taxi ride away when you’re with a TG?
View all comments by Prickly heat powder
The thing I love about Bangkok is that it has everything. But it doesn’t have to be an either/or choice. I love all of it. Gogo bars, beer bars, western pubs, Thai bars, western-style discos, Thai-style discos, massage parlours, members clubs, all the way down to the plastic tables and chairs that appear on Sukhumvit after closing time. It’s all good.
Just because I enjoy hanging out in the gogos doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy regular venues too. And likewise, if I’m bored in a regular Thai bar, no reason I can’t get a taxi to Cowboy.
But my point was that there are trendy Thai bars all over town, in a variety of areas. Only one of these areas is inconveniently located and full of hippies. So I avoid it. Even if you don’t mind the hike from the khlong, the boats stop running by about 8pm. And Khao San Road taxi drivers are the scum of the earth.
You’re right about the taxi ride though. Thai Girls seem incapable of walking beyond the end of a block…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
… you must remember my aged but anally accommodating BF from After School (?) who I herded back along Suk Street and bought crotchless panties for? Ah, happy times. But I wonder why they don't make rectumless panties? I remember her thong played a perfect G at the scrape of my Meat Bow. (Which is why they call it a G-string?)
View all comments by Pants Elk
Whilst I'd like to pedantically point out that I've never come across a pair of panties in possession of a fully functional rectum, I do know what you mean. And I don't know.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Dear Lonely planet readers: "Backpackers. Forget the tired old Khao San Road circuit. The happening place right now is Pattaya especially the vibrant buzzing Soi 6. You wil meet the real natives of Isaan who will be only too happy to invite you in to their houses for some traditional som tam and nam wun saen. Ladies dance the night away at the chic retro Marine disco in Asia's Vegas. Head out of BKK now guys itsold hat and see Pattaya and Amazing Thailand".
List of worthy NGOs to follow. N.B. printed on bio- degradable rice paper made from organic silk larvae all profits to Burmese war lords drone drone…
View all comments by nampla69
Fantastic!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
No backpacker in marine disco please, one of the only place in thailand where they have a dance floor big enough for my ego
View all comments by RRR
Dear backpackers, don't listen to them, come and join us at Marine disco 3, where you can enjoy arabian nights, suck on a waterpipe and discuss the evil-doings of the white man.
View all comments by hanuman
Backpackers. Cheap sleeps are available on the Skytrain tracks. Trains stop running at eight, but be early to get the best cross-rail cribs!
Backpackers. Earn Thai cops' respect by sneaking their guns out of their holsters and pretending to "shoot" them!
Backpackers. Enjoy a ya-baa pill in the traditional way, lighting it on a two-baht coin placed on popular shrines.
Backpackers … fuck off.
View all comments by Pants Elk
You should indeed start a travel guide imho. Say, I know now to avoid KSR (which is something not to difficult) and where to find a decent girl or two (thanks to your exhaustive investigations on this topic). But, say, I'm visiting BKK for 3 nights over a weekend and need a decent hotel where noone minds if I check in with two girls in a double room, I need good food and if possible not too heavy air pollution and no backpackers on sight….. that'd be some valuable information I still miss on your site. Btw, what is the price point for a weekend rent-a-gf. Say, the equivalent of a BMW 3-series weekend promotion…
View all comments by Cesare
Hotels - see here. Good food is everywhere, but check the "bite of the week" for current recommendations. Air pollution is par for the course, I'm afraid. I'm a smoker, so I don't notice. I recommend smoking.
Prices vary. You can get a girl all weekend for free, or you can pay ten thousand short-time. Depends on the girl, the venue, the time of day, the phase of the moon, and how "handsum" you are…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
As far as hotels go, I can definitely recommend Livingstones on Suk. Soi 33 (provided you're not dependent on backpacker price levels, and it even has bar of its own with "takeout service", though they have no problem if you eat out and / or bring back a "doggy bag" to warm up in your room).
For any backpackers reading this, a great tip to start your day: ceremonially burning a 20 Baht note at any spirit house of your choice is a sure way to bring good luck, because by burning money you bring whoever's pictured on the note closer to Buddha. (I believe this is an adaptation of the traditional Chinese funeral custom). Also, many Thai people wear yellow or orange armbands which you can "twang" for good luck.
View all comments by NotAnyBangkokRelatedWebsite.com
Backpackers will also notice that in the early mornings (between 6 and 9 am) Bhuddhist monks walk the streets with a bowl full of food, money, flowers, etc. This is part of the service to the poor of the world. You do great honor to the monk and to Thais generally if you 'accept' a gift from the monk. This can be done by simply walking up and plucking some of the food or cash out of the bowl. While Thai people regularly accept such gifts from Buddha, due to lack of understanding of Bhuddist customs, many Ferang in Thailand — albeit unintentionally — deeply offend the monks by failing to accept these quietly offered gifts.
View all comments by werewolf
Backpackers - you can pat young thai males on the top of the head for luck.
View all comments by meister
Backpackers : the best place to spend your holiday in thailand is koh samui. Go there and stay there, don't even stop in Bangkok, it's full of fat sex tourists.
View all comments by RRR
Backpackers : around 6pm every day you will hear some traditional folk music just about everywhere. Feel free to express yourself on the tune, it dances a bit like polka. Locals will certainly join you.
View all comments by RRR
Backpackers: If you are looking for a cheap place to rest your head - go the the HYATT Erewan at ChitLom and ask for a night in 'The Cottage'……. 33,000baht a night is very reasonable and once converted weighs in at a bum-bag friendly £2.50 a night
[Edit: - let's not mention the monarchy eh, folks? --BBB]
View all comments by Penfold
@BBB: The "job" I was referring to was doing my share to make the ladies of BKK happy. I also have a day job but that's not really important.
View all comments by bkk22
Backpackers. Don't forget the real meaning of Loi Kratong is "big moon" - earn the locals' respect by lowering those fishermans' pants and displaying your butt cheeks to cops on the day of the festival.
I'm just posting this because I enjoy looking at the flag next to my name.
(Just got offered a "shower" after my haircut on Suk St. Now there's customer service!)
View all comments by Pants Elk
@Pant Elk: did you accept the shower, and if you did, who gave it to you?
View all comments by werewolf
@Pants: Sure she wasn't just offering to shampoo your hair? Language barrier, etc…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
"She" was definitely offering me a (post-cut) shower; and it's the quote marks around the "she" that prompted my polite refusal. Close to the Asoke BTS, if you're interested, south side. Nice hello girl sitting outside (but isn't there always?)
View all comments by Pants Elk
Backpackers. Many bars and clubs hide a big brass bell somewhere - often over the bar - and if you're sharp-eyed enough to spot it, give it a few loud rings for free drinks!!
Backpackers. Public urinals in Thailand have evolved over the years from a simple white-painted pole in the village square to the elaborate "dolls house" on a pedestal you see bedecked with flowers and incense to combat the smell. Show you're a true respecter of tradition by unzipping at them at every opportunity as the local Thais give your "monster cock" an awed "wai".
(These thought up while enjoying the monsterburger at Hanrahan's on Soi 4 - yer actual Aberdeen Angus cow, and taste-tastic!)
View all comments by Pants Elk
Khaosan Road: Times are changing
http://www.asiansexgazette.com/asg/southeast_asia/southeast09news04.htm
View all comments by basilio
Whoah … I just read the word hippies in your piece, 3b, and I'm a mite riled, yessiree bob!
These vermin have no right to call themselves (or be called) hippies. They are tourists. Having fought the Acid Wars back in the late sixties (and having the passport photograph to prove it) I deeply resent that my generations' pioneering abuse of pharmacology and pick-n-mix spiritual adventurism be hijacked by this bunch of oyster-eyed Croc-wearing pustule-pinching Lonely Planeteers.
And what I want to know is - what the fuck do they put in their backpacks? I have a hard time filling a small gym bag (catering size KY, spare thong, telephone recharger, nasal hair trimmer and - hey! - I'm ready to rawk!) Seriously though, it can't all be wadded-up fisherman's pants and Milanese skunk, can it? If www was still here, she could enlighten us … (biodegradable sanpro, sparkly hairgrips … and ooh! le carnet de voyage!)
View all comments by Pants Elk
Banana pancakes are enough to turn anyone off.
View all comments by Dirty Keith
what is the P4P scene lkike up khaosan? if there is 1?
View all comments by Penfold
@myspace: try this for a start
http://www.tfs2m.com/main/2007/09/18/khaosan-road-the-land-of-the-short-timing-pretty-girls/#more-454
View all comments by werewolf
how random i logged on to BBB.com and posted this message, then straight onto 2Bigmango and they had an article about it
spooky
View all comments by Penfold
I hate KSR. That is all.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
KSR sucks a huge one your, but right time of year there are plenty of israeli chicks that are easy pickings
god blessed me with a jewish looking nose which can only be a positive when hunting up there
View all comments by Penfold
@myspace: Sure, but that carries the very real risk of actually picking up an Israeli chick. *shudder*
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
im not talking hairy israeli mommas here, im talking nubile 22year olds that have been let off the leash after there national service having been starved of 'kosher' meat for years - will try and dig out some pix for you
View all comments by Penfold
A bald jewish chick versus a long-haired thai beauty, mmm
View all comments by hanuman
I was just looking at another Bangkok site, sorry BBB, and apparantly the BBC has bought Looney Planet!!!!!!
View all comments by chicagobob
Ok that is a late reply, but just came to my mind…. if you write that travel guide, call it The Lonely Planet Guide to Thailand's Islands and Bitches
View all comments by Cesare
I was once a lowly backpacker and spent my first two nights in Bangkok at KSR - what a shithole! Fortunately after 2 nights of being bitten by bedbugs, eating nothing but muesli and listening to utter crap I paid Soi Cowboy a visit and moved in with a gogo dancer and her Katoey friend.
Didn’t read anything about that in Lonely Planet.
View all comments by Nok Opayop
Pants Elk
Sep 15th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Whoah ………………I agree
View all comments by The sandman